On Turning Ten


The whole idea of it makes me feel
like I'm coming down with something,
something worse than any stomach ache
or the headaches I get from reading in bad light--
a kind of measles of the spirit,
a mumps of the psyche,
a disfiguring chicken pox of the soul.

You tell me it is too early to be looking back,
but that is because you have forgotten
the perfect simplicity of being one
and the beautiful complexity introduced by two.
But I can lie on my bed and remember every digit.
At four I was an Arabian wizard.
I could make myself invisible
by drinking a glass of milk a certain way.
At seven I was a soldier, at nine a prince.

But now I am mostly at the window
watching the late afternoon light.
Back then it never fell so solemnly
against the side of my tree house,
and my bicycle never leaned against the garage
as it does today,
all the dark blue speed drained out of it.

This is the beginning of sadness, I say to myself,
as I walk through the universe in my sneakers.
It is time to say good-bye to my imaginary friends,
time to turn the first big number.

It seems only yesterday I used to believe
there was nothing under my skin but light.
If you cut me I could shine.
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
I skin my knees. I bleed.

Billy Collins

lots to learn!

lots to do

lots to love

lots to let go

of

lots to move on from



new years is coming. allegedly a good time for setting intentions. but when isnt it a good time to set intentions?

additionally
i have learned
you NEVER EVER FUCKING KNOW what will happen

but
that is
not a reason to not set intentions
or to not be excited

alternatively:

AND
that is a reason to set intentions
and be excited

crazy.




less computertime would be...a boon.

y'all are beautiful

i just finished writing an essay in spanish about the accident. now my spanish professor will know that "Creía que todo del vida tiene significado, pero ahora yo no sé cuale yo creo."

i smell like greasy latkes.

is there meaning in this bizarre, and sometimes sick(ening) and sometimes healing chain of events that has lead me and my tangle of friends to this present moment? i can trace this thread back to its beginnings on olean street early in the morning of september sixth. or can i?

what wisdom am i supposed to extract from the totality of all the pieced together pieces, the separate peaces forged and uneasy quiet barely maintained, my playground parachute of fear that i am now coming out from underneath - trying to push the edge of it down to the ground so that all i can see once again is bright nylon colors and the free sky, and this heavy silence? is there any wisdom to extract, any lessons to be learned, truth to exact, acceptance to be earned? whatever. fuck rhymes. the point is - what can i take away and carry with me, what nuggets of REAL will travel with me from this time for the rest of my life? if i could step back and extricate myself from this complicated collage of experiences and conflicting realities and emotions, what picture would emerge? would any? is there any design in this, or is this just some messy life juice we dumpster and drink and sometimes it makes us sick and sometimes it tastes delicious and is totally free? i dont know.

in the time-honored tradition of the procrastination nation, i would like to present:

a brief (and incomplete) review of my life in the past few days.

sweaty feet in snowboots
warm sweaters
farting
bed
library time
computer
not enough showering
medium-sized mochas
falafel
chinese food
slippery sidewalk ice
tempeh ruben
cash leaving my wallet
gchat
texting
hungry
shedding, replacing, and trading literal and figurative layers
isolation
lazy
scarves
disconnect
spanish verbs
avoidance
absence of a sleep schedule
sad
happy
connection
strange
hiding
shades drawn
disappointment
silly
hurt
unfocused
internet
confused
worry
gah

FINALS ARE UPON US.
take-out food sustains me, albeit shittily.

"The resistance to admit that the other is the same springs out of the reluctance to admit that the same is the other."

...an example of inane academic blathering. or prophetic wisdom. take your pick.

ALSO: http://www.thinkgeek.com/caffeine/accessories/5a65/